I'm not entirely sure why I've come back.
Perhaps to blow the digital dust off the cover of this electronic tome of sorrow and humility.
But alas and evermore, I'm here.
Thus I write.
This is for March the. 29th, in the year of 2014. The time is 11:43pm
~Gazing down upon her open palms transfixed, she notes the lackluster pink color of them before resting her face open them.
Fingernails run through her dirty strands, raking the aching scalp.
With a deep, slow breath outward, she knows what she must do.~
I've come to a not-so-starling realization this past week.
It is something that has consistently gnawing at the back of my head for awhile now.
I am doomed to failure.
It is much like running on a treadmill.
No matter how hard or fast you run, you will find yourself in the same situation.
Fatigued and beaten.
To fight the flow of Nature and it's tide is instinctual, but all together a futile attempt.
So I have decided to begin letting go of all my hate and sorrow.
This sick, poisoned world can have all the pain I have to bestow upon it.
Gain the red, depart the red.
In a brief synapses of my time sense I've last wrote is as follows:
Quit a job.
Moved out of Mum's ho use.
Moved in with friend.
Got new job.
Moved out to own house.
Quit new job.
Plan to kill myself in the next week in another country.
I am thinking Korea, or maybe Sweden or perhaps Japan.
They are all quite lovely places to perish in.
I can practically feel them call out my name with its enchanting song.
"Come, my damaged childe. Come to me and you shall find relief in my shade."
I get shivers just thinking about it.
Though it will take careful planning.
One can not rush this and then end up botching it.
But I must act fast, yet intelligently.
So alas, I do know that a few people will hurt in my passing.
But I cannot let that deter me from my permanent Novocaine.
Would you deprive a person of sustenance?
Surely not.
But as I explained to them, to which you will listen most quietly I'm sure is that;
Humans, i.e you, will move on.
You will mourn, you will grieve in the 7 stages then find solace after the pain.
Then you'll restart, restart after me.
Humans to each other are expendable, for we are plenty.
In that plenty we have lost our uniqueness.
It' is hard to see each other being the 'Ocean in a waterdrop' when it's raining oceandrops..
Now if you'll excuse me.
I must plan how to most effectively spend 1200 to my World Tour of Death.
But Chi.
I love you.
Please.
Understand.
||Memory: The First Bite of Love Stings||
There you stood, wrapped up a hooded sweatshirt, reeking of fear and excitement.
The moment I saw you.
I knew.
I knew that I would kill for you.
Eat broken glass to see you smile and bandaged my gashed open gums.
We found your luggage, Ryder silently assessing the situation and the implications of what would soon happen
Remember the first breath of air we took upon our exit of the terminal?
How we feel into each other, my breath tasting of menthol and juice?
How you kissed me and I panted, gasping into your hungry, yet firey mouth?
Much to the awkward dismay my other partner we continued.
Looking back, R.
I realize how I hurt you.
How I took you for granted and abused you in the worse way imaginable.
It's sad how we see these things when its far to late to change them.
The next went by in such a blurr of euphoria fueled sex.
We made promises with tangled tongues and embracing genitals.
I whispered.
You listened.
You replied.
I swallowed each word.
But our love was being watched by many and it was spat on with knives.
R.
I never knew how fucked up what I was doing was.
Which would explain why you did what you did.
Though it doesn't excuse what you or I did in any manner.
You manipulated him, and you stabbed me just like I stabbed you.
You were always a better ninja then I and your kunai was sharper.
You took him away from me.
You remember that night, Linus.
When we took a walk at the wee hours of the night.
Jackets fitting snugly on us as we made out into the night?
Oh how we wandered far, got lost and then lost again.
We laughed into the night, crossed empty streets and pretended that all the world was dead.
Then something changed, your laughter died and into the solace of your thoughts you went.
Then we stopped, sat in the middle of the street and you told me.
Told me that you wanted him.
You wanted to try out this disaster I called polyamoury.
You wanted to be the third piece in this puzzle.
I can't describe how bitter that made me.
For the first time I wanted to kill you.
Kill you both.
I wanted to rip out your beating heart and eat it right then and there.
Bathe in your volcanic essence.
Then to finish the job by sweeping a knife into R's heart til he was no more.
O' how I wanted to make you both pay for the evil trick you played on me.
Looking back, it make sense.
Looking back, it make sense.
I broke open and all the vile, tainted hunger came pouring out in full measure.
You were swept up in it.
I told you I wanted you dead.
I listened to your organs working at night.
I choked you til you turned red.
I dug my nails into hard.
I wanted you dead.
I wanted you mine.
You knew it didn't you?
Which is why you left.
Which is why he left.
I recognize the monster I had become.
No. The monster was there, you both just gave it a steroid injection.
Fuck. The tears sure came when you left and soon after you know the story.
You told me to fuck off. R tried to console me, yet R's dad had me fuck off.
I loved you, Linus.
Still do.
Three almost four years later.
Pathetic eh?
Quote of the Day
Time ages and matures.
With maturity it kills.
When it bends your back and thickens the blood in your veins.
When you cannot see the beauty of life before you.
Because it has been burned grey.
Mood of the Day'
Resolved and Weary.
Expressive post of the Day
Resolved and Weary.
Expressive post of the Day
Laie Lo
Oh laie laie lo,She'll sing a song to the cold, night sky.
Where her only instrument is rope and deaths breath in the gentle wind.
Oh laie laie lo,
She'll fly free high and low.
Where her only instrument is rope and deaths breath in the gentle wind.
Oh laie laie lo,
She'll fly free high and low.
