It has been to long since I've been here.
I'm not entirely sure why I've come back.
Perhaps to blow the digital dust off the cover of this electronic tome of sorrow and humility.
But alas and evermore, I'm here.
Thus I write.

This is for March the. 29th, in the year of 2014. The time is 11:43pm

~Gazing down upon her open palms transfixed, she notes the lackluster pink color of them before resting her face open them. 

Fingernails run through her dirty strands, raking the aching scalp.

With a deep, slow breath outward, she knows what she must do.~

I've come to a not-so-starling realization this past week.

It is something that has consistently gnawing at the back of my head for awhile now.

I am doomed to failure.

It is much like running on a treadmill.

No matter how hard or fast you run, you will find yourself in the same situation.

Fatigued and beaten.

To fight the flow of Nature and it's tide is instinctual, but all together a futile attempt.

So I have decided to begin letting go of all my hate and sorrow.

This sick, poisoned world can have all the pain I have to bestow upon it.

Gain the red, depart the red.

In a brief synapses of my time sense I've last wrote is as follows:

Quit a job.

Moved out of Mum's ho use.

Moved in with friend.

Got new job.

Moved out to own house.

Quit new job.

Plan to kill myself in the next week in another country.

I am thinking Korea, or maybe Sweden or perhaps Japan.

They are all quite lovely places to perish in.

I can practically feel them call out my name with its enchanting song.

"Come, my damaged childe. Come to me and you shall find relief in my shade."

I get shivers just thinking about it.

Though it will take careful planning.

One can not rush this and then end up botching it.

But I must act fast, yet intelligently.

So alas, I do know that a few people will hurt in my passing.

But I cannot let that deter me from my permanent Novocaine. 

Would you deprive a person of sustenance?

Surely not.

 But as I explained to them, to which you will listen most quietly I'm sure is that;

Humans, i.e you, will move on.

You will mourn, you will grieve in the 7 stages then find solace after the pain.

Then you'll restart, restart after me.

Humans to each other are expendable, for we are plenty.

In that plenty we have lost our uniqueness.

It' is hard to see each other being the 'Ocean in a waterdrop' when it's raining oceandrops..

Now if you'll excuse me. 

I must plan how to most effectively spend 1200 to my World Tour of Death.

But Chi. 

I love you.

Please.

Understand.

||Memory: The First Bite of Love Stings||

There you stood, wrapped up a hooded sweatshirt, reeking of fear and excitement.

The moment I saw you. 

I knew.

I knew that I would kill for you.

Eat broken glass to see you smile and bandaged my gashed open gums.

We found your luggage, Ryder silently assessing the situation and the implications of what would soon happen

Remember the first breath of air we took upon our exit of the terminal?

How we feel into each other, my breath tasting of menthol and juice?

How you kissed me and I panted, gasping into your hungry, yet firey mouth?

Much to the awkward dismay my other partner we continued.

Looking back, R. 

I realize how I hurt you. 

How I took you for granted and abused you in the worse way imaginable.

It's sad how we see these things when its far to late to change them.

The next went by in such a blurr of euphoria fueled sex.

We made promises with tangled tongues and embracing genitals.

I whispered. 

You listened.

You replied.

I swallowed each word.

But our love was being watched by many and it was spat on with knives.

R. 

I never knew how fucked up what I was doing was.

Which would explain why you did what you did.

Though it doesn't excuse what you or I did in any  manner.

You manipulated him, and you stabbed me just like I stabbed you.

You were always a better ninja then I and your kunai was sharper.

You took him away from me.

You remember that night, Linus.

When we took a walk at the wee hours of the night.

Jackets fitting snugly on us as we made out into the night?

Oh how we wandered far, got lost and then lost again.

We laughed into the night, crossed empty streets and pretended that all the world was dead.

Then something changed, your laughter died and into the solace of your thoughts you went.

Then we stopped, sat in the middle of the street and you told me.

Told me that you wanted him. 

You wanted to try out this disaster I called polyamoury.

You wanted to be the third piece in this puzzle.

I can't describe how bitter that made me.

For the first time I wanted to kill you.

Kill you both.

I wanted to rip out your beating heart and eat it right then and there.

Bathe in your volcanic essence.

Then to finish the job by sweeping a knife into R's heart til he was no more.

O' how I wanted to make you both pay for the evil trick you played on me.
Looking back, it make sense.

I broke open and all the vile, tainted hunger came pouring out in full measure.

You were swept up in it.

I told you I wanted you dead.

I listened to your organs working at night.

I choked you til you turned red.

I dug my nails into hard.

I wanted you dead.

I wanted you mine.

You knew it didn't you?

Which is why you left. 

Which is why he left.

I recognize the monster I had become.

No. The monster was there, you both just gave it a steroid injection.

Fuck. The tears sure came when you left and soon after you know the story.

You told me to fuck off. R tried to console me, yet R's dad had me fuck off.

I loved you, Linus.

Still do. 

Three almost four years later.

Pathetic eh?

Oh sweet fuck. Bittersweet nostalgia to the max.

Quote of the Day

Time ages and matures. 

With maturity it kills.

 When it bends your back and thickens the blood in your veins. 

When you cannot see the beauty of life before you. 

Because it has been burned grey.

Song of the Day
Hollywood Undead - Paradise Lost
Photo of the Day

Mood of the Day'
Resolved and Weary.
Expressive post of the Day

Laie Lo

Oh laie laie lo,She'll sing a song to the cold, night sky. 
Where her only instrument is rope and deaths breath in the gentle wind.
Oh laie laie lo, 
She'll fly free high and low.

I'm really losing track of my puniest of goals.
Even considering this. So I'm going to do what I did the other day and post what I can.
I barely have energy to even do this...

This is for September the 22nd and 23rd, in the year of 2013. The time is 12:45 pm.

~Pushing the now grey bangs from her aged eyes, she stared out from behind those graying hues.

She slowly stood up, hands climbing up her body, spiraling up past her neck and into the air.

Fingers tightened around something, something that could not be seem.

With a simple snap, the light from her world would be gone and all would be plunged into darkness.

From within the dense blackness, a sigh of relief and the scrape of feet then silence~

I've decided that my few talents in this world are my natural knack with culinary arts and writing. 

Be it poetry or fiction.

I also realized that when I die I just want to eat my favorite foods early morning til I cannot eat anymore.

Then flush and fast the rest of the day.

I have to put together last meal, perhaps I'll go out and eat or maybe I'll cook. That is a chore though, especially when you are alone.

One thing I realized I'll miss when I'm dead is gaming.

But it's such a small thing I enjoy that it in end becomes moot.

I'm a huge gamer and love my PC gaming.

To bad, I do it alone now.

-le sigh-

Let me begin this by saying two words to describe my day yesterday.

Intense relief.

I began yesterday by being woken up rather early, much to my dismay.

I had only managed to sleep a few hours, three at the most and the fact at being woken so early on a Sunday was all but frustrating.

'Damn't. I didn't die in my sleep' was my first thought as I rubbed the barely formed sleep from my eyes.

The next few hours, I put on the skin of someone not bothered by my own inner thoughts.

I joked, put on a smile and led them all to believe it was just another boring, day.

Out of nowhere, I decided enough was enough. 

So I donned a jacket and proceeded to leave the their house for a walk.

Oh how I walked and walked, the rain drenching my hair while the wind licked up my sleeves and down my spine.

I thought about how I wanted to die, how those in my life affected me, especially ones recently.

As the rain dripped in a steady, but light pace, I thought of a new idea.

What better way to spend my time, then scout during the walk for a place to end it at?

I had made plans with Knight, my mate, who may be a possible delusion.

But those were quickly falling apart.

I was learning I had built them into a monument that stood on a pillar of lies and one-sided desires.

I cried for those I've lost during my time here, called out to them.

Singing horrible off key songs for the dead.

I walked for 2 1/2 hours straight, when the rained chapped my toes and I got a blister.

There were a few times I felt faint, all the while wishing I'd pass out and drown in a puddle.

There were many hits for places to hang from, but upon further inspection, revealed themselves to be wearing a clever mask.

The problems varied: from to branches to thin to support my weight, to private and secure property.

The list went on. 

I however found a place that was beautifully quiet, it enchanted me, casting it's spell of serenity upon my weary soul.

But like before, upon further inspection, saw that the trees housed sickly looking branches.

Once more, I had failed.

I left this place twenty minutes later, continuing my journey back to the house in which I reside.

The rest of the time was spent as it is every night when I'm left alone.

Music, CTBChatzy and distractions.

The next day (aka today) I got up early once more, this time with five hours of sleep.

I made a few calls, found I got some government assistance (aka free money and basic medical care), but still this did nothing to lighten the black mark on my heart.

I was dropped off at the cafe as usual, were I sat there all day coping with overwhelming depression. 

Researching nearby parks/forest/etc for a suitable place to hang from.

More then likely after last nights conversation with the delusion known as Knight.

That monument was beheaded and from within its head, it's brains were exhumed to learn more of the truth behind Knight and I.

Now deconstructed, I left Knight to Knights devices for the next.

Then I will confront Knight one time and denounce the validity of Knight.

So thus I reflect further upon such an event, digesting it over and over again, til it is nothing but a hard stone in my stomach.

Oh fuck. I don't want to die without someone there. I don't want to die...ALONE!

So I sit here, my plan is to sleep soon. 

Maybe God will spare me this night.

||Memory: Your selfish Divorce||

I cannot recall how it happened.

I was seven years old, young and naive to the world.

I remember being sat down with my older brother and sister.

Both parents sitting across from each other, each sporting a look of barely contained resentment.

To which they would occasionally cast out towards the other, mingled with infusion of pity and awkwardness. 

It began tentatively at first, then it would pick up speed as if it were a train that just needed a little steam to move.

It was short, which I later learned on was a tactic to leave no room for emotion or questioning.

I remember hearing the words "We don't love each other anymore and it's best if mommy and daddy go their separate ways."

I couldn't tell you if I cared at that point and had expected it or was just too numb or to confused to understand.

Whatever it was, I did not send a single tear and nodded.

As I grew later, I began to despise other children and their happy, little put together families.

If their families could stick it out til they were 18, why the fuck couldn't mine.

Simple answer is, they made a horribly selfish choice based off their own desires.

Fade to motherfucking black.

||Memory: Lost innocence||
It was a hot day, that is the first thing I remember.
The air hung still in the house, drier than papyrus.
My brother was off in our shared room, the sound of what I presumed to be the Super Nintendo pinged in the background.
I do believe I must have been around or eight, so I was hungry and needed my sister to cook.
I entered her and our mother room to petition her for lunch.
What I saw was a sister naked, strewn across the bed and fingering herself.
This confused me greatly and as I turned to leave, she called out to me in the voice of sickening sweetness.
"Come here, sister"
I slowly made my way to her, a strange sensation of apprehensiveness  sprouting forth from my belly and growing to wrap around my small heart.
She pulled me on top of her, settling in my open hand a pile of small chocolate candies.
"You can have more of these if you make sissy happy?"
I didn't really care for the candies, but a chance to make my older sister happy.
This filled my heart with joy!
I nodded, biting my lip, unsure of exactly what I was to do.
With the confirmation, my clothing was remove and my sexually incorrect genitals were forced into her vagina.
I began to cry at this strange, almost nauseating sensation.
Her arms locked around my small, childish figure, keeping there while she pumped herself into me
I began to cry, not out of pleasure but at the vile thing calling it's way from her into me.
It buried through my clitstick and deep into my stomach, biting my guts and swallowing before vomiting them back up.
It filled my insides up to the brim till the world spun all around me.
All I could here was the wet sounds of her body against mine, her moans and my stifled tears.
I buried my head into the fabric of the bed, trying to pull away, then the door would open and my older brother would walk in.
This event solidified my humiliation and disgust.
He questioned us, and having been locked into this act, I could do nothing to hide my tearful shame.
I cannot fathom what was going on inside his head.
Pulling free from her, I saw a vile substance of cis-female cum coating my little mixed genitals.
Rushing to the bathroom in hot shame, I washed this...filth free from me.
I looked into the mirror, realizing that I had been violated so deeply
My innocence looking back now, had been taken to me by my sister.

Yay for triggering myself with this memory. -screams-

Quote of the Day
"Life is supposed to be a journey of many ups and downs, not a continuous downward slope." ~Quote by icantdothisanymore8~
Song of the Day
Woods of Ypres - Silver
Photo of the Day

Mood of the Day'
Destroyed.
Expressive post of the Day

The Insane Delve Deeper

~Into delicate flesh I'll delve.

Each cut precise.

The silk of blood dancing onto this admiring blade.

Every piece dissected in elegance.

Art eroding from perfected wounds.

Infinite agony dipped in the sweet lye of ecstasy.

The Angel of Mercy has came and gone.

Deeper must this paint brush go.

Til the serrated edges taste the wellspring of the soul.

~This tongue explores, conquering the inner workings.

Glinting teeth has been imbued with the madness that chews the thick and the thin.

Hunger calls out in the voice of desire.

Pressure fills the intricate design of patience.

A shiver rolls its exotic caress against joined flesh.

One must not rush this living shape.

~Lines revealed in the reddest hue.

Violets sprouting from pink tubes that blossom from gore.

A multitude of white lipped vines that unfurl its treasure around ribbed wings.

Words of truest love whispered in an endless loop.

Honeyed tension embraced with churning fulfillment.

A new spirit mingled into the embodiment of a Whole

~Eager thrusts penetrate cooling clay, remolding it.

Length bulging digestion unabashedly.

Each digit transfigured into razors.

Slicing out ribbons of warmest snow.

Now a circlet around each breath.

Fused with human taint.

A coating of diamond saliva glossed across frozen lips.

~Parallel lines of intrusion emblazoned with scarlet binding.

Everlasting intimacy spilling forth a sea of living salt.

Belly full of vitae, procreative goo and slaughter.

With hold the grimace of denial.

Rejoice in the separation from this shell of artistic impression.

~Disassembled from organic misery.

Prettied with finest Versachi.

Tender stitching's of lace will bring it all to a close.

Another gorgeous suffering stolen.

I want to apologize to the people who may be reading along my day-to-day.
I was totally and most regrettably indisposed with someone all last night.

This is for September the 21st, in the year of 2013. The time is 11:46am.

~Settling uneasily into the back of the headboard, the girl shivers, sending flakes of immolating skin up towards the sky.

Mouth gapes open to let a soundless scream of overwhelming pain.

Fire is her voice, ashes are her words.

So with fingers of ice she proceeds to unveil the past day~

I really love blueberries and brie cheese and french bread with garlic oil.

I could eat these things for all eternity and never tire from them.

I  of course love other food as well, but those just stand out.

Though I'm as stated before, partial to Korean/Swedish/Japanese and French food/

On another note, I also continue to realize that I should just stay away from actual human contact.

I don't know how to act and it's extremely awkward.

Yesterday was a long night, full of failed job searching.

What I mean is that I went over and over to certain jobs pestering them for a job.

Most of them told me to wait, others said they had hired...

More rejection...

It never ends.

I then had a "acquaintance" I met online/e-hanged out for a week or so.

We met up and we went out.

He was nice, but the longer I spent him, the quicker I wanted to disappear into nothing.

He tried so hard to offer words of support and care, but I realized that they were hitting a wall.

A wall of regret, embedded with a growing stubborn rage.

He then rented a overpriced inn, took me out to eat and then we proceeded to have sex.

Trust me when I say this.

If I could scrub my skin and soul I would.

It wasn't his fault directly, so many complicated signals were firing off.

I blame myself for letting it get to that.

I suppose I just wanted to feel loved and such, but it seemed we did it out of a unspoken duty.

As if some god of distasteful lust had dug his nails into my brain then proceeded to use me like a puppet.

In a foolish dance of wants, hopes and desires.

Throughout our time, I bounced back and forth between bouts of regret and deep, unrelenting depression.

We slept together, like actual sleep, to be honest it was strange.

Like sleeping with a friend you haven't seen in a long time.

Not the familiar feeling of reconnecting ties, but one with rough ends and smothering embraces.

There on I drifted off into a helpless, uneasy slumber.
The rest of time was spent on this blog, avoiding me mum and trying to figure out what the fuck to do tomorrow.

||Memory: When even children Die||

I remember being seven years old.

The world was big, perhaps even too big for such a small little alien like me.

The pavement was hot from the early July sun as I ran across it, barefoot and foolish.

There was a game of kickball going across the streets.

A ball would be kicked, then only to slide under a car across said street.

Being a smart alien child, I would look both ways.

Once I saw that nothing was coming, I passed.

I cannot recall much, other then blackness that reached it's hand out and stole my awareness.

Awaking to the sounds of crying, I opened my eyes.

They felt like they weighed the world.

All around me, people stood, having converged onto the scene like a pack of hungry vultures.

Would they see a child die this day?

As the blood poured from my crushed in skull, I laid there and wondered what exactly was happening.

Images skipped, chugging at certain intervals.

Where blackness stained the reel of thought and I fell deeper into the reservoir of infinite void.

Slipping past the void, I broke into the realm to which all life is alive.

At first I was there, standing, watching my own mother sob in the back of the ambulance.

Covered in my innocent blood, I felt nothing.

I could only watch in curiosity, as the scene unfolded itself around me.

Hovering, I seeped higher into the sky, were warm golden light kissed my skin.

It was as if I was tethered  to the ambulance, remaining linked to the body that lie within it's container of mercy.

The cord tugged and directed me along the journey.

I don't recall much of what happened next, but felt that it was okay to let the tether fade.

I could hear a buzzing sound and a zap over and over, then blackness.

The next month or so was filled with blackouts and loosely tied memories.

Family showering me with gifts and attention, meeting another sick boy, learning now to walk again...

 Quote of the Day

"When all light fades.

Darkness comes and unfolds.

Embracing me within it's leathery wings.

Then silence comes rushing in. 

To replace the sound that once was My beating heart."

Song of the Day

Death In June - Black Little Angel

Photo of the Day

Dedicated to T. I love you.

Mood of the Day

Used.

Expressive Post of the Day

Addled Tongues

Between the signals.

Of love and hate.

Lie the infinite truth.

Of lust and distaste.

Where misery converges with destiny.

A broken vow.

Stretched across the crooked sky.

Like an arrow of trust.

It will fall fast.

Into the heart of the weary.

With a spoken kiss.

A soft hand into the heart.

The wet warmth of desire.

Finally unveiled.

Its symphony deconstructed.

And its mystery uncloaked.

To the sound of quickened breath.

Flesh tones of silk and snow.

The rhythm of a endless gesture

Penetrated deep into the soul.

To repair or to chase the fated one.

She travels the sharp glass sands.

The trail of her pathway clear.

But with each step she takes.

The will to go on dims.

A restless love.

Persevering as the heroine.

Endless song of atrophy.

Under the baking sun.

A heart withstands the pressure.

Of a supernova charged fate.

A cataclysmic eruption of hands embracing

The destiny now met.

The ever painful journey of tears.

Comes to rest within his cheek.

The smile that affirms everything.

Cascading lips that tumble the final secret.

Sweetened with the intensity of their war.

A battle of ones own blight.

Bitter waters cleansed from thine eyes.

With a gentle finger stroke.

They have remedied the curse.

The curse of damnation.

He groaned "Forever"

With a delicate snap of limbs.

A reply from within mingled flesh

"Forever"

So they both called unto moonlight.

Stealing the skies stars.

For each other they lived forever.

RIP T.
My friend, my ear and open heart.
09/15(?)/2013