I'm really losing track of my puniest of goals.
Even considering this. So I'm going to do what I did the other day and post what I can.
I barely have energy to even do this...

This is for September the 22nd and 23rd, in the year of 2013. The time is 12:45 pm.

~Pushing the now grey bangs from her aged eyes, she stared out from behind those graying hues.

She slowly stood up, hands climbing up her body, spiraling up past her neck and into the air.

Fingers tightened around something, something that could not be seem.

With a simple snap, the light from her world would be gone and all would be plunged into darkness.

From within the dense blackness, a sigh of relief and the scrape of feet then silence~

I've decided that my few talents in this world are my natural knack with culinary arts and writing. 

Be it poetry or fiction.

I also realized that when I die I just want to eat my favorite foods early morning til I cannot eat anymore.

Then flush and fast the rest of the day.

I have to put together last meal, perhaps I'll go out and eat or maybe I'll cook. That is a chore though, especially when you are alone.

One thing I realized I'll miss when I'm dead is gaming.

But it's such a small thing I enjoy that it in end becomes moot.

I'm a huge gamer and love my PC gaming.

To bad, I do it alone now.

-le sigh-

Let me begin this by saying two words to describe my day yesterday.

Intense relief.

I began yesterday by being woken up rather early, much to my dismay.

I had only managed to sleep a few hours, three at the most and the fact at being woken so early on a Sunday was all but frustrating.

'Damn't. I didn't die in my sleep' was my first thought as I rubbed the barely formed sleep from my eyes.

The next few hours, I put on the skin of someone not bothered by my own inner thoughts.

I joked, put on a smile and led them all to believe it was just another boring, day.

Out of nowhere, I decided enough was enough. 

So I donned a jacket and proceeded to leave the their house for a walk.

Oh how I walked and walked, the rain drenching my hair while the wind licked up my sleeves and down my spine.

I thought about how I wanted to die, how those in my life affected me, especially ones recently.

As the rain dripped in a steady, but light pace, I thought of a new idea.

What better way to spend my time, then scout during the walk for a place to end it at?

I had made plans with Knight, my mate, who may be a possible delusion.

But those were quickly falling apart.

I was learning I had built them into a monument that stood on a pillar of lies and one-sided desires.

I cried for those I've lost during my time here, called out to them.

Singing horrible off key songs for the dead.

I walked for 2 1/2 hours straight, when the rained chapped my toes and I got a blister.

There were a few times I felt faint, all the while wishing I'd pass out and drown in a puddle.

There were many hits for places to hang from, but upon further inspection, revealed themselves to be wearing a clever mask.

The problems varied: from to branches to thin to support my weight, to private and secure property.

The list went on. 

I however found a place that was beautifully quiet, it enchanted me, casting it's spell of serenity upon my weary soul.

But like before, upon further inspection, saw that the trees housed sickly looking branches.

Once more, I had failed.

I left this place twenty minutes later, continuing my journey back to the house in which I reside.

The rest of the time was spent as it is every night when I'm left alone.

Music, CTBChatzy and distractions.

The next day (aka today) I got up early once more, this time with five hours of sleep.

I made a few calls, found I got some government assistance (aka free money and basic medical care), but still this did nothing to lighten the black mark on my heart.

I was dropped off at the cafe as usual, were I sat there all day coping with overwhelming depression. 

Researching nearby parks/forest/etc for a suitable place to hang from.

More then likely after last nights conversation with the delusion known as Knight.

That monument was beheaded and from within its head, it's brains were exhumed to learn more of the truth behind Knight and I.

Now deconstructed, I left Knight to Knights devices for the next.

Then I will confront Knight one time and denounce the validity of Knight.

So thus I reflect further upon such an event, digesting it over and over again, til it is nothing but a hard stone in my stomach.

Oh fuck. I don't want to die without someone there. I don't want to die...ALONE!

So I sit here, my plan is to sleep soon. 

Maybe God will spare me this night.

||Memory: Your selfish Divorce||

I cannot recall how it happened.

I was seven years old, young and naive to the world.

I remember being sat down with my older brother and sister.

Both parents sitting across from each other, each sporting a look of barely contained resentment.

To which they would occasionally cast out towards the other, mingled with infusion of pity and awkwardness. 

It began tentatively at first, then it would pick up speed as if it were a train that just needed a little steam to move.

It was short, which I later learned on was a tactic to leave no room for emotion or questioning.

I remember hearing the words "We don't love each other anymore and it's best if mommy and daddy go their separate ways."

I couldn't tell you if I cared at that point and had expected it or was just too numb or to confused to understand.

Whatever it was, I did not send a single tear and nodded.

As I grew later, I began to despise other children and their happy, little put together families.

If their families could stick it out til they were 18, why the fuck couldn't mine.

Simple answer is, they made a horribly selfish choice based off their own desires.

Fade to motherfucking black.

||Memory: Lost innocence||
It was a hot day, that is the first thing I remember.
The air hung still in the house, drier than papyrus.
My brother was off in our shared room, the sound of what I presumed to be the Super Nintendo pinged in the background.
I do believe I must have been around or eight, so I was hungry and needed my sister to cook.
I entered her and our mother room to petition her for lunch.
What I saw was a sister naked, strewn across the bed and fingering herself.
This confused me greatly and as I turned to leave, she called out to me in the voice of sickening sweetness.
"Come here, sister"
I slowly made my way to her, a strange sensation of apprehensiveness  sprouting forth from my belly and growing to wrap around my small heart.
She pulled me on top of her, settling in my open hand a pile of small chocolate candies.
"You can have more of these if you make sissy happy?"
I didn't really care for the candies, but a chance to make my older sister happy.
This filled my heart with joy!
I nodded, biting my lip, unsure of exactly what I was to do.
With the confirmation, my clothing was remove and my sexually incorrect genitals were forced into her vagina.
I began to cry at this strange, almost nauseating sensation.
Her arms locked around my small, childish figure, keeping there while she pumped herself into me
I began to cry, not out of pleasure but at the vile thing calling it's way from her into me.
It buried through my clitstick and deep into my stomach, biting my guts and swallowing before vomiting them back up.
It filled my insides up to the brim till the world spun all around me.
All I could here was the wet sounds of her body against mine, her moans and my stifled tears.
I buried my head into the fabric of the bed, trying to pull away, then the door would open and my older brother would walk in.
This event solidified my humiliation and disgust.
He questioned us, and having been locked into this act, I could do nothing to hide my tearful shame.
I cannot fathom what was going on inside his head.
Pulling free from her, I saw a vile substance of cis-female cum coating my little mixed genitals.
Rushing to the bathroom in hot shame, I washed this...filth free from me.
I looked into the mirror, realizing that I had been violated so deeply
My innocence looking back now, had been taken to me by my sister.

Yay for triggering myself with this memory. -screams-

Quote of the Day
"Life is supposed to be a journey of many ups and downs, not a continuous downward slope." ~Quote by icantdothisanymore8~
Song of the Day
Woods of Ypres - Silver
Photo of the Day

Mood of the Day'
Destroyed.
Expressive post of the Day

The Insane Delve Deeper

~Into delicate flesh I'll delve.

Each cut precise.

The silk of blood dancing onto this admiring blade.

Every piece dissected in elegance.

Art eroding from perfected wounds.

Infinite agony dipped in the sweet lye of ecstasy.

The Angel of Mercy has came and gone.

Deeper must this paint brush go.

Til the serrated edges taste the wellspring of the soul.

~This tongue explores, conquering the inner workings.

Glinting teeth has been imbued with the madness that chews the thick and the thin.

Hunger calls out in the voice of desire.

Pressure fills the intricate design of patience.

A shiver rolls its exotic caress against joined flesh.

One must not rush this living shape.

~Lines revealed in the reddest hue.

Violets sprouting from pink tubes that blossom from gore.

A multitude of white lipped vines that unfurl its treasure around ribbed wings.

Words of truest love whispered in an endless loop.

Honeyed tension embraced with churning fulfillment.

A new spirit mingled into the embodiment of a Whole

~Eager thrusts penetrate cooling clay, remolding it.

Length bulging digestion unabashedly.

Each digit transfigured into razors.

Slicing out ribbons of warmest snow.

Now a circlet around each breath.

Fused with human taint.

A coating of diamond saliva glossed across frozen lips.

~Parallel lines of intrusion emblazoned with scarlet binding.

Everlasting intimacy spilling forth a sea of living salt.

Belly full of vitae, procreative goo and slaughter.

With hold the grimace of denial.

Rejoice in the separation from this shell of artistic impression.

~Disassembled from organic misery.

Prettied with finest Versachi.

Tender stitching's of lace will bring it all to a close.

Another gorgeous suffering stolen.

I want to apologize to the people who may be reading along my day-to-day.
I was totally and most regrettably indisposed with someone all last night.

This is for September the 21st, in the year of 2013. The time is 11:46am.

~Settling uneasily into the back of the headboard, the girl shivers, sending flakes of immolating skin up towards the sky.

Mouth gapes open to let a soundless scream of overwhelming pain.

Fire is her voice, ashes are her words.

So with fingers of ice she proceeds to unveil the past day~

I really love blueberries and brie cheese and french bread with garlic oil.

I could eat these things for all eternity and never tire from them.

I  of course love other food as well, but those just stand out.

Though I'm as stated before, partial to Korean/Swedish/Japanese and French food/

On another note, I also continue to realize that I should just stay away from actual human contact.

I don't know how to act and it's extremely awkward.

Yesterday was a long night, full of failed job searching.

What I mean is that I went over and over to certain jobs pestering them for a job.

Most of them told me to wait, others said they had hired...

More rejection...

It never ends.

I then had a "acquaintance" I met online/e-hanged out for a week or so.

We met up and we went out.

He was nice, but the longer I spent him, the quicker I wanted to disappear into nothing.

He tried so hard to offer words of support and care, but I realized that they were hitting a wall.

A wall of regret, embedded with a growing stubborn rage.

He then rented a overpriced inn, took me out to eat and then we proceeded to have sex.

Trust me when I say this.

If I could scrub my skin and soul I would.

It wasn't his fault directly, so many complicated signals were firing off.

I blame myself for letting it get to that.

I suppose I just wanted to feel loved and such, but it seemed we did it out of a unspoken duty.

As if some god of distasteful lust had dug his nails into my brain then proceeded to use me like a puppet.

In a foolish dance of wants, hopes and desires.

Throughout our time, I bounced back and forth between bouts of regret and deep, unrelenting depression.

We slept together, like actual sleep, to be honest it was strange.

Like sleeping with a friend you haven't seen in a long time.

Not the familiar feeling of reconnecting ties, but one with rough ends and smothering embraces.

There on I drifted off into a helpless, uneasy slumber.
The rest of time was spent on this blog, avoiding me mum and trying to figure out what the fuck to do tomorrow.

||Memory: When even children Die||

I remember being seven years old.

The world was big, perhaps even too big for such a small little alien like me.

The pavement was hot from the early July sun as I ran across it, barefoot and foolish.

There was a game of kickball going across the streets.

A ball would be kicked, then only to slide under a car across said street.

Being a smart alien child, I would look both ways.

Once I saw that nothing was coming, I passed.

I cannot recall much, other then blackness that reached it's hand out and stole my awareness.

Awaking to the sounds of crying, I opened my eyes.

They felt like they weighed the world.

All around me, people stood, having converged onto the scene like a pack of hungry vultures.

Would they see a child die this day?

As the blood poured from my crushed in skull, I laid there and wondered what exactly was happening.

Images skipped, chugging at certain intervals.

Where blackness stained the reel of thought and I fell deeper into the reservoir of infinite void.

Slipping past the void, I broke into the realm to which all life is alive.

At first I was there, standing, watching my own mother sob in the back of the ambulance.

Covered in my innocent blood, I felt nothing.

I could only watch in curiosity, as the scene unfolded itself around me.

Hovering, I seeped higher into the sky, were warm golden light kissed my skin.

It was as if I was tethered  to the ambulance, remaining linked to the body that lie within it's container of mercy.

The cord tugged and directed me along the journey.

I don't recall much of what happened next, but felt that it was okay to let the tether fade.

I could hear a buzzing sound and a zap over and over, then blackness.

The next month or so was filled with blackouts and loosely tied memories.

Family showering me with gifts and attention, meeting another sick boy, learning now to walk again...

 Quote of the Day

"When all light fades.

Darkness comes and unfolds.

Embracing me within it's leathery wings.

Then silence comes rushing in. 

To replace the sound that once was My beating heart."

Song of the Day

Death In June - Black Little Angel

Photo of the Day

Dedicated to T. I love you.

Mood of the Day

Used.

Expressive Post of the Day

Addled Tongues

Between the signals.

Of love and hate.

Lie the infinite truth.

Of lust and distaste.

Where misery converges with destiny.

A broken vow.

Stretched across the crooked sky.

Like an arrow of trust.

It will fall fast.

Into the heart of the weary.

With a spoken kiss.

A soft hand into the heart.

The wet warmth of desire.

Finally unveiled.

Its symphony deconstructed.

And its mystery uncloaked.

To the sound of quickened breath.

Flesh tones of silk and snow.

The rhythm of a endless gesture

Penetrated deep into the soul.

To repair or to chase the fated one.

She travels the sharp glass sands.

The trail of her pathway clear.

But with each step she takes.

The will to go on dims.

A restless love.

Persevering as the heroine.

Endless song of atrophy.

Under the baking sun.

A heart withstands the pressure.

Of a supernova charged fate.

A cataclysmic eruption of hands embracing

The destiny now met.

The ever painful journey of tears.

Comes to rest within his cheek.

The smile that affirms everything.

Cascading lips that tumble the final secret.

Sweetened with the intensity of their war.

A battle of ones own blight.

Bitter waters cleansed from thine eyes.

With a gentle finger stroke.

They have remedied the curse.

The curse of damnation.

He groaned "Forever"

With a delicate snap of limbs.

A reply from within mingled flesh

"Forever"

So they both called unto moonlight.

Stealing the skies stars.

For each other they lived forever.

RIP T.
My friend, my ear and open heart.
09/15(?)/2013

The day is September the 19th, in the year 2013, and the time is 8:24pm.

~Taking a moment to collect her thoughts, she adjust the imaginary cigarette in her mouth and sighs. Exhaling deeply, her eyes roll up towards the heavens then plummet back down to the cold, unforgiving earth. ~

So I realized I prefered tea over coffee.

That I was partial to peppermint, hibiscus, and early grey tea.

That is not to say that I didn't enjoy the taste of coffee.

I did love pumpkin spiced coffee's.

I realize that this is a small insignificant detail about me. 

But I figured I'd let you know about it anyways.

Today I spent my time doing nothing of any great worth.

I played some of my favorite games, mainly out of habit and memory then enjoyment.

I do suppose it was something of a mild distraction, but as usual, I was surrounded by unskilled buffons.

So thus I quit early, the rest of the time has been spent listening to the same damned playlist over and over.

I do firmly believe, that if this playlist could talk, it would scream out "Kill me, please!"

Trust me Mr.Playlist, you'll get your rest soon.

The rest of the time was spent removing a gratuitous amount of people from my Skype, that or blocking the rare few who I want to be around for a final goodbye.

I feel the need to list the people who've made living just a tad bit easier, even if they are no longer here with me.

Thank you

(In no order)

Simon.

Linus Andren.

Issac Youn.

Joel Youn & Jessi Kang.

Ella Rose

T. (Killed himself on September 2013)

Educator. (Killed himself  on September 2013)

Wits End.

Philip. (Killed himself on September 2013)

DG.

Toothfairy / (tf?)

Jason.

My little dongseng.

Matthew aka Tim Burton.

Chris Burgress.

Justin Han.

Tarrragon Burgress

Brendon Hendrix.

Yizzien Olonrae.

Ross Markusen.

Kyo Kipp.

Taylor Meredith (Steffy!)

Elizabeth Joy.

The rest of my time was spent with talking to a man by the name of Wits End and a russian bloke named Vlad.

Suffering the beration of me mum, which lead to me crying due to the feeling of worthlessness she makes me feel.

I wish she could understand the struggle I'm going through and how I'm drowning.

But she's too old and too tired to really care.

I hope she reads this one day and realizes that she never saw the pain in me.

So let me speak directly here.\

"You treated me like shit. Every time I tried to disagree or offer a counterpoint you threw a fit.

99% of the time this so called attitude was not real.

That you words hurt, that your gtfo my house crippled me more.

I was your daughter, and each time I speak with you, I do it behind a wall.

You could have an amazing relationship with me, but you always made me feel like a burden.

That nothing I DID was ever good enough to sate you.

Well, you LOST OUT.

||Memory: The First Abandonment.||
I must have been very little, probably around the age of five or six.

I recall that you had to take my brother to school, perhaps some function, then off to work.

I remember driving through the woods to a large house, I want to say log house.

There I spent what seemed an eternity there, I had my naps and my lunch and dinner.

It was getting dark, I remember the lady calling my mother.

Trying to figure out where she was.

I cried and cried, fearing that I had been forgotten.

I had no one but this strange lady to comfort me.

It started to get darker, night was approaching fast.

Then my mother showed up just before the sun was casting its final ten minute show.

I saw the look in her eyes, the look that said it all.

She had forgotten me.

Quote of the Day

"When I'm lost between the pages of the book of life. When I turn to an italicize, font 5 footnote"

Song of the Day

Obscure Sphinx - Nastiez

Photo of the Day

Mood of the Day

Disheartened 

Expressive post of the Day

Skeletons under the Moon

He witnessed the dance of 

exsanguination

.

Under thy starry light, he fell pray.

Eyes alit under the hypnosis of pale feet.

For it spun intoxicated under the crescent moon.

He witnessed the dance of exsanguination

Deep under the diamond studded veil. 

So daft did he become under such scintillating sweetness.

Unfurling blossoms played thief on his sight,

While tears of hottest salt stole hers.

He witnessed the dance of exsanguination.

Under the starry light, he fell pray.

Enchanted with the gems of reddest hue,

That spilt most unhindered forth from her trembling lips.

Yet, still he watched in rapture at the decoration of her dance.

This is her struggle to be free from the burning cage.

Under the starry light, he fell pray.

Eyes alit under the hypnosis of pale feet.

Body lay frozen to her plight under the spell.

Within thy wind, her cries of desperation rung blended.

The night had become her enemy, for it had taken her wholeness.

She was but a puppet, and he was the obsessed spectator whose,

Eyes alit under the hypnosis of pale feet.

For it spun intoxicated under the crescent moon.

Till nothing but a brittle skeleton was left in her place.

Yet the skeleton would dance to the beat unheard.

Her joints dryly cracking along the currents of the breeze.

The final chorus one of a danser macabre.

For it spun intoxicated under the crescent moon.

Well it's been a pleasure.

I'm going to go sit in a warm bath and try to slice open my femoral artery.

The day is September, the 18th in the year 2013 and the time is 7:11pm.

My plan is to give details on who I am, then go into a story from my life, then fall into my day, then end it with an end thought.

I figure, it would be best to let just the blog flow and not stem the tides of thoughts that come gushing out of my brain like a severed artery.

~Turns to face the audience which at this moment doesn't exist, she takes a hearty  swig of what appears to be a cocktail of peppermint & earl grey tea mixed with gin. Upon clearing her throat she begins.~

"I enjoyed the hours of twilight, the ones between 12am - 3am.
♦  I dedicated myself to endless hours of writing and inner-thought. ♦ 

♦ You kn ow the ones, when all is quiet and the only thing you can hear is the rare thrum of a car passing by. ♦ 

♦ A large portion of my time is spent on The Wired, the Internet. ♦  
♦  I dedicated myself to endless hours of writing and inner-thought. ♦ 

♦ Reflecting on thine ownself and the abstract, multiverse beyond my closed eyes.♦

♦ I like to think of myself as an individual with more darker taste. ♦ 
♦ Both in appearance and demeanor. ♦ 
♦ I am a poet at heart, so I'm very expressive. ♦ 
♦  I was a total nerd/Otaku, so I enjoyed things like PC gaming tabletop gaming, LARP'ing, TCG's, Animes and Cosplaying. ♦ 
♦ I have very intense personality, being a Virgo/Snake and all. ♦ 
♦ But I had a lighter, more spontaneous creative side as well. ♦ 
♦ I enjoyed architecture hunting, especially if it's haunted. ♦ 
♦ I was a bad Catholic, a knowledgeable Heathen pagan, and crackpot religo-theorist. ♦ 
♦ I wanted to be a mortician one day as well, for I had hoped to get into the Institute for Mortuary Science. ♦
♦ I loved piercings, tattoo's and any other form of body modification 
for the enlightenment to Nirvana. ♦ 

 ₪Liked₪ 

♥Art:♥

 Sculpting

Painting

Abstract 

Carving 

Melding

Fashion 

♥Cooking♥

  French (Normandish!)

Asian (Korean and Japanese)

Swedish

Vegan/Vegetarian 

Human (-winks savisously- ~_^)

♥Music♥

Metal (In order of preference: Melödic Deathmetal, Gothick Metal, Folk

Metal, Pagan Metal, Black Metal, Symphonic Metal, Speed Metal, Screamo,

Metalcore, Emo)

Rock (In order of preference: Punk, Glam, Power)

Electronic (In order of preference: Darkwave, Techno, Trance, Dance)

Misc (In order of preference: Jrock/pop, Krock/Kpop, Opera, Foreign, Poetic Rap)

||History of The Earliest Memory I can't recall clearly||

It's early morning, I can feel the heavy rays of the sun push through the blanket that was used as curtain.

Even back then, I felt that the atmosphere was heavy, almost as if it were weighted down by the hand of Time.

I left the bed, feeling the hard plastic floor beneath my tiny little feet.

Quickly I scampered into the hall, then a miniscule distance into the adjacent room.

It seems that it was there that the heaviness emanated.

I cannot recall as to why this was the focal point, for my parents lay in light slumber, unaware of my presence.

I feel almost as if something was horribly wrong, perhaps deep down in this dream.

There lies a suppressed memory.

Quote of the Day

"Mutilation for me is a form of aesthetic dissociation and reclamation." 

Song of the Day

Imagine Dragons - Nothing Left To Say / Rocks

Photo of the Day

Mood of the Day

Numb.

Expressive Post of the Day

//I’m a every changing larva within a cocoon of freedom_and_dark germs.\\

//Gender is a sedative_for_the_masses, I prefer.menthol.\\

//Never try to figure.me out, You’ll never understand the readings_in_the_mirror.\\

//I’m learning, squirming, fishing.out a drop of 1k%-effort_for_my_life.\\

//Filled with a mile of creativity, a jar.full of fun and a screaming _mass_of_the_wildly_inappropriate.\\

//Every shimmering, lucid, inch.of the human_body_is_art.\\

//Pornography is lovely for an uneducated.wank, but I raise the bar_then_smash_it when I remove my layers.\\

//I love.all types of people, all genders_and_species. (Animals, Neanderthals, Aliens, Dead or Alive etc).\\